I accidentally glimpsed a sliver of benedict cumberbatch’s waxy pallid facsimile of a face in the corner of my tv screen and shrieked in horror because I thought he was a rotting fetal pig propped up in a tuxedo
PRETEND THIS IS IN FONT FACE COURIER BECAUSE I CANNOT FIGGER OUT HOW TO DO IT
Act I, Scene V. Lower East Side, New York City. December 24th, the late 90s. Evening. Outside MARK and ROGER’s apartment building, which BENNY owns, in addition to the lot next door, which houses a tent city of homeless people.
THE STORY SO FAR:
BENNY (former roomie of MARK and ROGER; married up) is being a dick to the homeless while MARK (an aspiring filmmaker who seems a lot like a white kid with a camcorder, except, duh, it’s an old-timey one) and ROGER (an aspiring songwriter who is also white and owns a guitar and I’m too bored to finish writing this sentence) watch and don’t really do anything about it. BENNY starts being a dick about MARK and ROGER’s rent payment, which he has told them is due, despite the fact that he once told them they could live there rent-free. Being idiot kids from elsewhere, MARK and ROGER failed to get this dubiously good deal in writing.
BENNY would like to “evict” the homeless living in the tent city, and construct a mixed-use building with digital music and video production studios and condos. MAUREEN is going to protest this decision, for reasons.
A state of the art, digital, virtual interactive studio
I’ll forego your rent
and on paper guarantee
That you can stay here for free
If you do me one small favor
(Spoken) Convince Maureen to cancel her protest
(Spoken) Why not just… actually that sounds pretty okay.
(Spoken) I mean, yeah. Maureen’s protest is horrifyingly problematic from a white privilege perspective.
And it’s not like allowing a tent city to stay where it is does much to help the homeless anyway.
(sung) You see boys!
MARK and ROGER
(sung) We’ll see boys!
(spoken) How about we use some of that money to help relocate these homeless people instead of the Dickensian-ly cruel act of bulldozing their tents on Christmas Eve!
(spoken) And we can raise some funds for them with our songwriting and filmmaking! We had previously been seeing these skills solely as vehicles for our narcissistic ideals about “authenticity” and “being true to ourselves” and “finding our voices”.
(sung) That indeed is some white people bullshit!
A benefit concert would look pretty
sweet to the investors!
And I guess razing a tent city
on Christmas eve is
something that only a mustache-twisting
villain in a poorly-written play would do!
(sung) Rent rent rent is gonna
skyrocket in this neighborhood
over the next 10 years
And you can stop bitching
About living in New York!
MARK and ROGER
I guess we could have also
gone to live with our folks!
ALL join hands with a chorus of NON THREATENING AND NOT VERY ICKY HOMELESS PEOPLE
Seasons of love!
christmas eve what about christmas adam
happy christmas adam to all men’s rights activists
Please stop pestering us with things like this. This has nothing to do with men fighting for their rights. Eve is short for ‘evening’. Please don’t turn activism into a joke. Thanks.
Someone isn’t having a good christmas adam
Christmas Adam: December 23rd. Comes before Christmas Eve and is generally unsatisfying.