or something.

An Incomplete Education: Where the ladies at?

glueslabs:

merlin:

[Merlin’s wonderful post. Go read it.]

[snips]

It makes me wonder: what would a similar list from the female perspective look like? I don’t mean a list of rules for men; I mean one for how women should treat their manfriends. To be clear, I’m not talking about some patriarchal, subservient crap. Nor am I referring to the “How To Please Your Man” bullshit you’ll find in Cosmo. I’m talking about a list of things like Merlin’s, but for women by women. Because, as much as I agree that it “goes both ways”, I’m not so sure it’s that obvious.

So do any of you women have a code you live by in your romantic relationships? Are there rules you’ve established for being respectful, caring, and supportive of your S.O.?

I tried to do what you asked. I really tried. But here is the thing, I think: it does go both ways.  I’m not so sure that there are any rules that apply solely to how a man should be treated in a relationship, or how a woman should operate.  I think Merlin’s list could easily say, at the bottom, “ladies, do these things too, switching penis and vagina where appropriate.”

Yeah, there are a lot of mistakes I see women making.  And yeah, if something is wrong, just fucking tell him and don’t say “fine” and don’t get all quiet because I know something is wrong and dammit this isn’t a game, Jenn.  The thing that no one really wants to say is this: women make different mistakes from men (they act needy, they become overly emotional, etc.), but for the same reasons as men. A whole hell of a lot of relationship advice could be boiled down to this: know yourself very well, and know how to communicate.

There are also a lot of things I think women should do.  But I also think men should do them.  Like, I originally wrote “cook him a nice dinner.” Don’t get on me about how patriarchal that sounds, because don’t you want someone to fucking cook you a nice dinner sometimes?  I do.  And that’s the point, I think. As I tried to write my list, I couldn’t get away from the fact that I think everyone, at core, should do the same basic stuff in their relationships.

For example, for a lady-list, I might say something like “think about sex and don’t be afraid to be sexual.” But then I thought that made assumptions about women (and men) that I wasn’t comfortable making, and was kind of reductive.  Mostly, it was unsatisfying because, at core, it’s about knowing and loving yourself, which is a thing we all need to do to be successful in relationships.  Maybe I’m making something complicated that doesn’t have to be, or maybe it’s because I’ve dated both men and women, but I think all gender-related relationship rules really boil down to something else more universal. Like, “put the toilet seat down” really means “respect your shared space and be courteous.” And “listen to him talk about his model trains or guitars or whatever” just means “find small ways to be interested in what your special one cares about, even if it’s boring to you.” And “tell him if something is bothering you, don’t make him guess” means “learn to communicate your needs and trust your partner with your emotions.”

But, since I do have the gender identification you requested, and since it’s fun, here are my rules for myself for being in a relationship. The caveat (among the same ones Merlin had, and others) is this: I’m in my 20s. And while I’ve lived through a surprising amount of Relationship Stuff, I don’t presume to know Things about Life and Love. In other words, this list will always be hopelessly incomplete. And also, like I said, I generally believe that all people like to be treated fundamentally the same way. I’m sorry, @fedge, because I don’t think this is what you were looking for, but I did enjoy writing it, if that helps. Anyway:

1. Know who you are, and what you want.  Admit that you’ve got all kinds of faults, and carve out a way to love yourself as though you were buried alive and needed it to live.

2. Listen. Don’t just listen, but learn your partner’s own special version of language, and become fluent in it.

3. Learn when a fault is a flaw, and when it’s a problem.  Learn to forgive flaws, and learn to tackle problems. If you’re angry, be angry but not hurtful. If you want to fix things, talk about it from a place of understanding and love.

4. If you make a mistake, admit it. If your partner makes a mistake that bothers you, tell them. If they make one that doesn’t bother you, let it go.

5. Make time for fun. Fight hard if necessary to always keep in the front of your mind the reasons you love that person. Think of nice things to do for them, then do them.  Be spontaneous occasionally.

6. Have a lot of sex. Make sure you initiate it sometimes, and make it a priority to be creative about sex as often as possible.

7. Give a shit about the things your partner cares about.

8. Remind them often how awesome they are and why. Be affectionate, physically and verbally.

9. Expect all of the above of your partner.

Calling things that aren't porn "porn" is confusing both for those of us who have zero interest in porn and those who are enthusiastic fans of same.

vmarinelli:

Look. I get that when people say “food porn” and “shoe porn” and, whatever… “pancake porn” (if the latter is an actual thing, please don’t tell me about it), that it’s intended by some as a favorable reference (“porn is awesome! So… this other thing is awesome too!”), and by others as some kind of subverting-the-dominant-paradigm schtick (“by calling these non-porn things ‘porn,’ we’re disrupting the reader’s/the listener’s expectations…”).

But when I see something I find visually interesting that is so clearly not porn labeled “porn,” my first reaction is “eyeroll,” followed by a sudden, complete loss of interest in the porn-labeled thing.

In Defense of “Porn”:  I think sometimes “porn” is the best description of that type of image.  Pornography, in my mind, does not just refer to images of sex: pornography is instead a very specific way of presenting a subject in a way that appeals immediately to the brain stem; bypassing the think-y parts of your consciousness, so that gratification is instantaneous and uncomplicated.  In other words, porn exists so that you can look at an image and receive a positive feeling with as little mental exertion as possible.  There is no “message” to pornography and no greater purpose.

In this way, I think it’s entirely appropriate to refer to, say, a close-up of a gooey, steaming, crusty [pause] cheese pizza as “food porn.”   It shows you the things about pizza that you like and that make you imagine the pleasure pizza gives you, completely bypassing your brain’s normal response (i.e., making a judgment about whether a thing is good or useful).  Same with shoes, fonts, interior design, whatever.  Those images are pornographic in the sense that they aren’t there to make you think, they’re there to make you feel good. And not even “satisfied” just “the way a rat feels when it gets its pellet.”

In conclusion, I like porn.